Darkest of Romances

Why is it that romance brings out the worst in me? Romantic interests bring out such a darkness in me. Maybe it is less about the person I am interested in and more about the romance.

What I mean by darkness is that the romance reawakens qualities which otherwise remain dormant. My obsession, my desire to devour and consume, my hunger and greed. My worst qualities, ones which rarely arise, become so much stronger and more visible.

I have always considered myself a dark person. Not evil, not malicious, not broken. Just that I have a certain aspect of darkness to me that is part of me. No, I’m not trying to be edgy. I am not a bad person. I truly believe I am a good person.

If I were to term myself, I’d term myself a dark lover. That’s not to say that I am not sweet, caring, and kind. It’s to say that I’m not pure. I’m not the sun or the stars. I’m the dark blanket of the night. I’m not innocent, and I’m not pure. Nothing like clean white bedsheets. I’m rather seductive, messy, chaotic, carnal. At times, cold, calculated, and cruel.

And this all translates into how I imagine romance. “I see the good in people”, is what I say to friends. It’s true. But what’s equally true is that I see a darkness in people, too. Darkness which should put me off. Instead, I’m drawn to it, like a moth to the flame. I see their darkness, and I want them to see mine. I want them to love it. Because one cannot love me if they refuse to recognise and love the darkness that flows through my veins. The darkness they bring out of me. You cannot dare to claim you love me if you do not love the darkness that comes with the lightness. The brighter the light, the darker the shadow cast.

For once, I’d like to be seen as I truly am. I’d like a lover to look me dead in the eyes and say, “You’re obsessive, you’re selfish and greedy, you’re dark and I like that, I like you”. Not “but I like it” but “and”. That’s very important to me.

I’ve had enough of being liked for my good qualities: being sweet, being cute, being attentive. Frankly, it’s quite boring and I’m sick of it. Anyone can like me when I’m lovely and kind. But who can like me when I’m greedy and selfish? Who will see that and like me still? Who will see that and like me for it?